Dark Idiocy
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: The graveyard scene in Goblet of Fire with a hilarious twist! Featuring hair braiding, The Phantom of the Opera, vampires, and shiny things! Parody, read and review!


**Author's Note: Well, yesterday, out of boredom, I was watching Goblet of Fire. Unfortunately, I had the song I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts stuck in my head. (A song I do not own, by the way.) And I had a lot of sugary candy. So I got a sugar high, and I re-imagined the grayeyard scene with terrifying results. So here's the story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Twilight, Star Wars, 300, The Phantom of the Opera, "Super Freak", or Xbox.**

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**Dark Idiocy**

There was a great flash of light as Harry and Cedric crashed into the graveyard. Cedric looked around. "Whoa, the cup was a Portkey!"

"No dip, Sherlock!" came Harry's reply.

"You don't have to be so mean about it! Shall we have a look around?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, let's look around the creepy graveyard that appears to be quite foreshadowing of how the plot is going to turn out." So they searched around the graveyard.

Harry froze as he read a tombstone labeled "Tom Riddle." Below it was a messy scrawl of writing, which seemed to be an epitaph. It read, "Ha ha! You died, Tom! Your Xbox 360 is mine!" How they had Xbox 360's in the early 1900's, we will never know.

"Cedric!" Harry screamed to his friend, "We have to get out of here!" He was about to add more, but halted as he spotted someone he didn't want to see: Peter Pettigrew, holding a baby with some seriously disturbing birth defects.

"_Kill the spare."_

"_AVAVA KEDAVRA!" _There was a great flash of green light, and Cedric collapsed dead onto the ground. Well, he wasn't really dead. In actuality, the spell had turned Cedric into a gay sparkly vampire, in total contrast to his cool wizard persona. No one else knew that, though.

"Ceddy!" shrieked Harry in horror, just as he was pinned to a tombstone. A cauldron filled with a bubbling fluid appeared out of nowhere The baby thing-a-ma-jig was tossed in, with his head knocking against the side of the cauldron in the process.

"Wormtail, you bumbling idiot! I'll have your hand for this!"

Wormtail gulped and picked up a bone. "Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son!" He tossed the bone in.

"Ow! Pettigrew, you numskull, you hit my head!"

"S-sorry, Master!" he raised a knife. "Flesh of the servant, willingly given, you will revive your…your, uhh…" Wormtail hesitated to amputate his hand.

"Wormtail, what are you waiting for?!" came the disembodied voice.

"Well, I don't really want to cut off my hand, you know," replied Peter, "It's painful, and I'm quite squeamish."

"Are you my loyal servant or not?"

"Well, yeah, but...can't you just use a fingernail or some hair, or-"

"DO IT!"

"Okay! Okay. Err…Hooray…"And he chopped off his right hand. Gross. "Ouch! That hurt!"

"Relax, man," replied the voice. "I'll give you a shiny silver one once I'm outta this cauldron. You like shiny things, don't you?"

"Yes! Shiny things are pretty!"

Harry watched this whole exchange with a stupefied look upon his face. When Pettigrew turned towards him, holding the now clean knife, he shirked back into the tombstone. "Stay away from me, you scum sucking, donkey licking, spam inhaling bum lotion!"

Wormtail sniffed to hide his tears at these cruel words. "You meanie-face!"

"I'm the meanie-face?! You just killed an innocent young man!"

"Oh yeah? Well…" he sliced into Harry's arm. "Ha! Take that, you dummy!" He took the bloodstained dagger and dripped the blood into the cauldron. "Now, watch the scary magical stuff!"

It was, indeed, scary magical stuff. The cauldron exploded in a great flash of hot pink fire. Once it cleared, a skeletal man- wait, screw that! A skeletal _lizard _was standing in the place of the cauldron.

Voldemort has risen again. Whoop dee doo.

The first thing he did was violently shake Wormtail. "Dang it, Wormtail! I told you! It wa supposed to be white fire! Not hot pink!"

"I-I-I'm sorry, Master!" stammered Wormtail.

Voldemort glared darkly at Wormtail. "Give me your arm!"

"Thank you, Master!" Wormtail was crying girlish tears of relief as he held out the stump of his arm.

Voldemort shook his ugly head. "Not that arm, you buffoon! The one with the easily identified tattoo on it! Honestly, why did I give you freaks tattoos? It was so easy for the Ministry to identify you!"

Wormtail was crying still as he held out the arm with the Dark Mark on it. Voldemort pressed his finger into the Mark. "AHHHHHH!" howled Wormtail, "It burns like I'm crapping out a knife! You suck!"

Voldemort was furious. "Using the word 'suck' is improper grammar!" He jabbed his wand at his servant. "_Crucio!"_

Wormtail shrieked like a whiny little wuss as he was put under the Cruciatus Curse. He was held under for eight minutes, until the unlikely trio could see the incoming Death Eaters.

Billows of black smoke descended from the sky as all of the Death eaters appeared. It was very tempting for Harry to sing songs from the Phantom of the Opera as he glanced at the crowd of Death Eaters in unisex black bathrobes. However, he resisted this temptation.

"Welcome my so-called loyal servants," hissed Voldemort, as he glared menacingly at his pathetic little slaves. "You know, I had thought you would be loyal to your all-powerful, royal, awesome, amazing, majestic, cool, mega, super master when you all heard of my downfall."

_Sheesh, _thought Harry, _How many titles does this loser need?_

"I was WRONG!" bellowed Voldemort, and he approached one certain Death eater. "Especially about you, Lucius." he ripped off the intangible mask, and Lucius Malfoy's face appeared.

"Lucius, my, my! I LOVE what you've done with your hair!" Voldemort began running his hand through Malfoy's hair. "It's, like, so luscious!"

_Valley girl much? _Harry raised his eyebrows, barely holding in his laughter.

"Master," responded Malfoy, "your hair is amazing too!"

Voldemort was enraged. "I have no hair, you LIAR! _Crucio!" _And so, Lucius was put underneath the Cruciatus Curse as well. Soon Voldemort got bored, and he lifted the curse. "Now, Malfoy, braid your pretty hair!"

"Why, my master?"

"It will amuse me! Do not question my orders and just do it!"

While Lucius braided his hair, Voldemort returned to Wormtail. He swished his wand in a gay-like fashion, and a shiny silver hand attached itself to Wormtail's stump of an arm.

"Thank you, my Master! It's shiny, just like you said!"

Meanwhile, Harry was making up degrading nicknames for everyone. _Let's see, Voldemort can be Volderina. Lucius Malfoy can be Lucy-Lu. Goyle could be Boils…Ha, I wonder what would happen if I blurted out a dirty joke right now? _In this one particular situation, however, Harry actually had some common sense, and kept his mouth shut. Wow! Harry Potter had some common sense in his brain! Who would've though?

Voldemort gazed at his Death Eaters. "The LeStranges should be here. Bellatrix was one of my most loyal followers…"

"And she was pretty hot, too," added Nott underneath his breath to the others.

Several Death eaters snickered. "You're right, Nott," continued Lucy-Lu (You know…Malfoy.) "She was a freak, though. She had a husband, yet she was obsessed with the Dark Lord."

"Look at me!" squeaked MacNair in a near-perfect imitation of Bellatrix, "I'm Bellatrix! I lick the ground my Master has walked upon!"

Everyone snickered. Harry listened in to this all, giggling silently. He began whispering a Rick James song. "She's a super freak! Super freak! She's super freaky, yow!"

Voldemort looked down at Cedric's dead…err, undead vampire body. "Ahh, pitiful, another one dead," he began counting off on his fingers, looking confused. "How many others have meaninglessly died? Forty-eight?"

"I believe it was fifty-two, Milord," chimed in a random Death Eater.

"Oh well. No big deal, I guess." He reached down to touch Cedric's pale face.

"DON'T TOUCH HIM, YOU CHILD MOLESTOR!!!" roared Harry. Instantly, every single living body in the graveyard twisted to face him. Voldemort had a malicious grin on his face. Said grin was with yellow teeth and black gums. "Eww," muttered Harry, "You know, gingivitis is the number one cause for tooth decay."

Voldemort frowned. He stepped forward, so his face and Potter's were only inches apart. Harry flinched back into the tombstone. "Dude, you need a Tic Tac! Come to think of it, you need a life too!"

Voldemort bared his teeth. "How dare you Potter?! You know what? I think I'll make a demonstration out of you!" He jammed his thumb into harry's forehead. Harry moaned in pain. "BURN, POTTER, BURN!" He took his thumb off, and gestured at the stone arms imprisoning Potter. As if he had used the Force, the arms were lifted, and Harry collapsed to the ground.

Gritting his teeth, Harry snorted. "Oh yes, great Sith Lord. Use the Force, you Retardship."

"See here, my Death Eaters! I have, in a fit of idiocy, released young Mister Harry Potter! Now I will duel him!"

For a moment, no one moved. Then, "_CRUCIO!" _Harry collapsed to the ground again, barely holding in his wailing of agony. "Ohh, Potter, who's laughing now?! Do you think I'm pretty, Potter?"

A voice echoed in Harry's head. _Say yes, Harry. Say I'm pretty._

_Ahh! _replied Harry, _Get out of my head, you weirdo stalker freak!_

_Say I'm pretty, and I will leave! _came the reply.

_No!_

_Say it!_

"I WON'T!" yowled Harry.

Voldemort pouted and aimed his wand at harry. "Well, that's too bad. Time for you to die, I guess."

He flourshed his wand and shouted, "_AVADA KEDAVRA!" _At the exact same time, Harry also shouted, _"Expelliarmus!"_

The spells connected, forming a single strand of bright orange light. It was the sparkly thread of magical DOOM! Harry and Voldemort's wand arms began to quake uncontrollably.

"Ha!" cried Harry in triumph, as the sparkly sphere of energy in the strand drew close to Vodlemort. "Take that, sucker!" The sphere of energy pulsed and hit Voldemort's wand. Soon a bizarre effect began to take place. Glittery ghosts began to emerge.

"Whoo-hoo!" shouted Cedric, as he emerged from the wand. "Dying is fun! Listen Harry, I need to you send my body to a place called Forks, Washington."

Harry frowned. "And why is that?"

"Just do it, you stupid Gryffindor!"

"All right! Hufflepuff nimrod!"

More ghosts appeared form the wand, and Harry soon found himself facing his parents. "Harry" said James, "in a few seconds, we will attack Voldemort and kick his pale, pathetic butt. Before we do, though, I wanted to tell you that I love you."

Harry's eyes shined. "Really, Dad?"

James laughed. "No, I'm just messing with you, loser!"

Lily frowned and socked James right in between the eyes. "Harry, your father didn't mean that. Come on, James, you moron! Time to attack Voldemort!"

The memories all rushed at Voldemort, with Lily screaming, "WE ARE SPARTA!" Harry ran for Cedric's body. After grabbing hold of Cedric's shirt, he waved his wand at the Triwizard Cup.

"_Accio Cup!" _The cup soared towards Harry. Harry grabbed the Cup with one hand, and there was a great flash of white. When it cleared, Harry, Cedric's body, and the Triwizard Cup were gone.

To say Voldemort wasn't happy would be the understatement of the year.

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**Wolf: Well, how was it?**

**Harry: Yay, I am awesome!**

**Voldemort: You make me look like an idiot!**

**Wolf: Oh well...review!**


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